It has been helpful to do this each morning. I wish I had the discipline to get to bed timely to get up early just to write. It’s taking all the energy I have to do what must be done to keep the primary job I have- the one that pays the bills and provides insurance for my husband who is still recovering from cancer. Sometimes the most important conversation we need to have is with ourselves. I don’t want to hear what I have to say. I don’t want to do what I might tell myself must be done, all out of fear.
I’m afraid right now. Period one, hybrid learning, day three. There are seven students here in class with me for study hall. They are each sitting at a desk where at least three other students sat this week. Someone just sneezed, into their mask, in a set of three short staccato bursts. I’m the only one in the room that jumped when it happened. I know we are all masked, but still. Why are we engaging in this transmission risk right now? Is this really ‘better’ than what we had been doing for the past six weeks during Fall 2020 distance learning? Better for whom? Why are we trying to force ourselves ‘back’ into some semblance of ”’known” rather than evolve as needed?
Kids weren’t happy they say. My black parents would tell you that you don’t get to be happy about everything and sometimes you just need to do what needs to get done and the joy will come.
I have enough mileage in my own life that I now agree. Everything we know about humans, about brains science, about sociology and pedagogy, and curriculum has been turned on its ear by this planetary experience. What if we always had to do it this way? What if schools never had classes of more than 10 students, ever. How would that affect the way we develop? Form relationships? Hold each other accountable? What hides behind the possibilities of anonymity that moves us toward the lowest common denominator in this society? What is trust without some marker on the scale of intimacy? It is easy to betray the trust of a stranger- it is different when you are always held accountable.
It feels imperative to spend just a little time with myself in this way each morning right now. An expulsion of anxiety, fear, agita- just enough to take the edge off. It is day 3, I’m still afraid but I, like the millions of essential workers who have gone to work daily during the pandemic, don’t have a choice to not work, to opt-out, stay home and hide for safety. There is no trust fund I can access, no rich parents who will take me in, no societal structure that will extend me 400 million dollars of credit based on my name.
Someone once told me a long time ago that fear + action = courage. Sure, I get that. So those who have to do when they are afraid develop a muscle, a resilience, a persistence, an endurance- that those who never have to do don’t. Sure, I get that. I also get how exhausting this is.
By the end of this week, I will have seen six different class groups and increased my direct exposure by 35 people, 35 students, and the matrix of their families and all the other students on campus and their social interactions. This is very personally risky and not something I would choose to do if I had any other options. I have a difficult personal health history. I live with my husband who is still recovering from cancer. I want to live, I want my partner to live, I want us to retain the health we have. Why is my life not worth protecting?