The alarm goes off for the first time at 6:14am. I’ve been waiting for this moment. Tossing and turning throughout the night, not able to sleep deeply all week “sleep” for me has been a time when my body is resting and my mind cannot disengage from consciousness entirely. I’m not even sure what I’m holding on to but it feels desperate and full- the holding on like this-
The soundtrack of this time for me is like riding through the midwest in the 1990’s radio stations flickering in and out range. Snippets of songs that tune my mood and my head fills in the lyrics.
Class this morning was horrible in my opinion. Yesterday on Twitter I saw a post by another teacher that read “One bad lesson does not make me a bad teacher. One bad lesson does not make me a bad teacher. One bad lesson does not make me a bad teacher. One bad lesson does not make me a bad teacher. One bad lesson does not make me a bad teacher. One bad lesson does not make me a bad teacher…” and I wish there was a tune to go with it.
I’d messed up the online invite- inviting the wrong group of students to today’s online class first period. The eight in the classroom were fine, the eight at home were not. Three of them logged into our class chat to talk with us in the classroom and that is when I discovered my error. I resent the links- only those three who inquired via the group chat joined us online. Eleven out of 16. The lesson I’d planned for today was too short for the class period so I adjust. We played the multi-player Google Halloween doodle then identified the similarities with the programming functions we learned in Logo. While the students were gaming it was the liveliest I’d seen them all semester. We are going to come back to that at some point. I need to know more about their cultures and why they don’t feel comfortable sharing and chatting so freely when we are working on our coding.
When I arrived in my classroom space a colleague came by to say hi and chat. As nice as that interaction was it took away from my prep time- the technical prep to make sure the class runs smoothly.
Put on hearing aids, secure face shield, log into the classroom computer, open Google Meets for the online class, give the instructions in the classroom, take attendance, check-in between cohorts- rinse and repeat. Oh, and instruct, teach, facilitate, question- probe- you know, TEACH. Create a culture of thinking. Pay attention to the 8 cultural forces that shape our classrooms. Facilitate inquiry-based learning.
I still can’t hear. I have to move within 2-3 feet of each student to hear them beneath their masks. Getting teenagers to speak up during a first-period class while wearing masks is not easy. It was actually easier online than it was in person go figure.
I have not graded anything all week. Maintaining my strict boundaries between work and home, work time, and personal time, there has been no work-time to grade. Even if I wanted to give personal time to this I have no energy to do so. I would be digging a deeper hole of exhaustion- working through the downtime, trying to force the shorter downtime to prepare for bed- fewer hours for the home stuff and sleep- it is a recipe for burn-out. I’m already burning out.
The mask issue has re-triggered feelings of inadequacy and competence because I cannot hear my students. The last time, the first time this happened I was in my 20’s and fighting the undiagnosed Lyme’s disease and associated complications one of which for me was the loss of my hearing and realized that something terrible could happen to the children in my care if I cannot hear them. I was working with toddlers then- with their little voices and constant fluctuation between elation and trepidation. I moved from early childhood into educational technology- I had the skills, the school had the equipment and needed someone to help them get started. This was over 20 years ago when American schools were first putting a computer in every classroom and creating media/information/computer literacy classes for students. That led to a 17-year journey in educational technology, riding the first wave of educational technology adoption.
I’m feeling the need to shift again. I know this is a reflex-based on the hyperfocus of what I cannot do right now- amidst a time when I’ve been able to do so much due to the increased use of technology in our society. Even with all the technology at my disposal, I’m still expected to be able to hear people talking under masks. With my hearing aids, I function quite well when in-person ore-pandemic. I move closer to people when I cannot hear you in a small group setting, but I cannot and should not do this during the pandemic. This week as we’ve been an in-person teaching situation I’ve found that in order to hear- I’m breaching the distance I should not breach for my own safety. This is not sustainable. This puts me at risk. This changes the relationship with my students constantly asking them to speak up and repeat themselves. If there are other arrangements that can be made, where I can interact with my students clearly and effectively- I wonder why we can’t make this adjustment. The adjustment is me filling out the ADA paperwork asking for this accommodation. Even though I’m entitled to this accommodation, it makes me feel some kinda way.